Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
