Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
