he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
