you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
How's work?
Spinning.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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