I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
