how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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