Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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