I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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