Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
