I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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