I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
