All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
