Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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