Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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