so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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