my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
