I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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