why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
