i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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