I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
