I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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