He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
