Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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