i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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