I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize