I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
