I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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