Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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