whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
