FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
