"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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