if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
