I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
