I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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