I wish life had little blips of pornography
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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