He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
