I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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