I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
