dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
