yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we're so committed to being not committed
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
