I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
me + whiskey = a bad person
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
