you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
