i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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