god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize