well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
