does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
