He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize