I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
