Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
