I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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