If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
