OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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