I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
