I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
