No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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