i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
